Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A Second Chance

Last week I had a dream that it was December 20, 2015 and I was visiting with my family for the holidays in Florida, where they have all recently moved. Everything seemed fine until I realized I couldn't remember traveling there. Or when I had booked my tickets. Did I come to Florida for Thanksgiving too? What did I do on Halloween? As my mind retraced its steps until it could recall a memory, I went into the kitchen to tell my mom. Sadly, she didn't seem surprised.

"I don't remember getting here."
"I know." She looked upset.
"Was I here for Thanksgiving?"
"Why don't I remember?"
"You have been experiencing amnesia lately. But it's going to be okay. We'll get through it together."

In the dream, I knew that the amnesia was because something bad had happened, and it had to do with Andy. Not once did my mind ever fully form the thought that Andy was dead.

For anyone who has ever experienced amnesia, this is a terrifying feeling. It was as if the day before was August 2015, and yet suddenly here we were in December, approaching Christmas, with no memory of anything in between.

When I woke up from the dream, I was so relieved. I hadn't been able to recall anything from August-December because in reality they hadn't happened yet. 

Before the dream, I was planning on giving up on the rest of 2015 because it was easy to assume that the remaining months were going to come and go in a blur, as they had been all summer. Just last week, I passed an old sign that said "Carnival coming July 13th!" and I kid you not, my first thought was: "Oh, my birthday is coming!" My birthday is July 18th which was a month ago. It's not like I forgot my birthday (I went to TN to visit my best friend and we went skydiving-- hard to forget), but I was very aware that I was struggling to keep pace with Time. 

Waking up from the dream where I had had amnesia was like getting a second chance. I'm not supposed to accept that the rest of 2015 will continue in a blur. Just because Andy gave up on life, doesn't mean I should give up on living. Only one of us is getting a second chance, and I think he realizes it. I think he realizes there are still ways he can be there for me from Heaven, as he always was for me here on Earth. Maybe this is Andy's way of telling me not to give up. 

Bring on the dreams, Andy.

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